Year in Review - The Big "C" and the Art of Letting Go
I originally posted this on my personal Facebook page and got such an enthusiastic response I thought it should be here on my blog too.
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It's almost the end of 2019 and I can't help but assess what a year it's been. Things went sideways in March when my breast cancer was detected. I went through many phases of grief and experienced PTSD from my mom's downhill battle with ovarian cancer. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and disappear. But I had so much support from my good friends and family and larger community that I was able to pull myself out and see the bigger picture.
2019 will be remembered as the year of cancer but also the year of discovery. As much as I tried to prepare myself for how it was going to be, the treatments, the awful side effects, the endless medical appointments and poking and prodding and medications and poison going into my body, I prepared for the worst only to find it wasn't as bad as I expected. I had to give up trying to control my experience and rather, accept and surrender to it. Then my attitude became super positive and everything flowed easily. I don't mean giving up hope, I mean using the techniques of surrender from meditation and yoga. Resistance can increase pain -- like if you're going to get an injection and you clench up your muscles in anticipation of how it's going to hurt, that makes it hurt more. If you can actively surrender that fear, and put your mind in a happy place while getting that injection, it hardly hurts at all. This really works!
By focusing on my inner strength and realizing how resilient I am, I felt a new freedom and found much to enjoy about this whole experience. I also made great efforts to avoid negative thoughts -- by avoiding negative people and negative stimuli like tragic movies. Instead I focused on the things and people that make me happy and feel safe and loved. All the support from so many people in my life was the most amazing gift.
Presently, it's been 5 weeks since I finished chemo. My legs are super fatigued and my knees ache from standing up or walking. I've been trying to take walks but find that 3 blocks is now my limit before my legs and my energy say WE ARE DONE! I wake up feeling pretty good but by 4 or 5pm I start yawning and my energy fades from there. If I do walk more than 3 blocks, I'm wiped out for the rest of the day and evening. However I've been getting a lot of sleep and have stayed healthy -- even after spending time with people who've come down with terrible colds or flus.
I've put myself on a detox diet that's extremely restrictive, mostly just vegetables and celery juice with some raw nuts and quinoa. I'm a foodie so that takes some of the joy from my life. But rather than lamenting all the things I can't have, I try to focus on making the things I can have taste good and look delicious. That takes an effort, I won't lie. And when I eventually shift back to an anti-cancer diet with more options, I'll be extra happy.
2019 made me really understand the power of community support. I know I'm going to come through this a stronger and improved human being. I feel the call of service to help others who are dealing with cancer or serious illnesses. Cancer Kitchen Boss will be strong in 2020!
I can honestly say, Thank you cancer! Because there's been so much positive to come out of this experience. And finally, so much gratitude to too many people to name here but you know who you are. xoxo
Photo by Diana Sanden