Strange Times or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Quarantine

Sterling Hayden’s character as the somewhat insane General Ripper in Stanley Kubrick’s ‘Dr. Strangelove’.'

You may recognize the reference to one of my all time favorite movies, “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,” by Stanley Kubrick. It came out when I was a toddler and I remember being fascinated by it in my early teens even though I didn’t understand some of the references. It was a parody of the cold war nuclear tensions between the US and the Soviet Union, and the most powerful Americans involved in keeping their world safe from “nukes'“ and ”Ruskies.”

Now we suddenly find ourselves, across the globe, together in our isolation as we hide out from the latest enemy - the pandemic. Nothing in my lifetime has caused such a devastating upheaval as this — cancer didn’t even come close. At least cancer treatment had a finite ending and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t die. Afterwards, I thought rehabilitation and recovery would be my biggest obstacle to returning back to my “normal” life in a timely manner. But not long after I finished cancer treatments, my “normal” life was turned upside down, along with most everyone else’s.

Fast forward about six weeks later and here I am, “stuck” in Thailand trying to understand what our new world is going to look like and how I’m going to support myself when I return now that I’ve lost all my work opportunities. I’m self-quarantined in paradise, on a gorgeous tropical island with relatively mild weather (compared with much of Thailand) and access to beaches. At first I distracted myself with exploring, watching tv, reading, resting in the hammock and generally not thinking about what lies ahead. I was in denial. It’s one of the stages of grief.

As we try to process all the abrupt changes in our lives as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are collectively in a state of grief. We move through the phases of grief and loss -- loss of our jobs, loss of our ability to be social creatures, loss of our daily routines and stability. Isolation can breed depression and bad habits. Grief can move fluidly through a state of disbelief and numbness, pain, anger and depression and so on. Ideally we find ways to gravitate to the positive, to acceptance and hope, and even finding positive outcomes in all of this.

I’ve definitely been flowing through various stages of grief since I arrived here and shit got real. I’m trying hard to stay positive; I make sure to do yoga and meditation each morning, get tons of sleep, get outside every few days and video chat with one friend back home each day, plus video chat with my boyfriend almost daily. I’ve been avoiding negative people, conspiracy theorists and generally trying not to read all the articles about how the US top leadership is so grossly mismanaging this situation. It makes my blood boil and puts me in an angry headspace, and that’s unhealthy.

In the past few weeks, now that the newness of quarantine in paradise is wearing off, I might feel joyful for a few days but then anxiety can creep in and I slide into melancholy and loneliness. I am a person who thrives with social interactions but likes some alone time. I just don’t think I’ve ever had this much alone time in my life. When I was going through cancer treatment I had to stay home to rest and was often alone. I couldn’t have a lot of visitors due to my lowered immunity from chemo but when I did have visitors it always lifted my spirits immensely. I got used to the secluded life that often accompanies serious illness.

I’m fortunate in that I enjoy being alone in my own company and don’t need to connect with a lot of people just to validate myself. But six weeks of being alone and staying in almost all of the time is really putting me to the test. It’s weird to think that we are all isolated together. If I’m having some quarantine blues, how do people who are prone to depression or are in a bad living situation handle this? How do we deal collectively with loneliness?

I have occasional feelings of guilt because I’ve got it so good in quarantine. Koh Samui is really beautiful and there are almost no cases of COVID-19 identified. People are being cautious but this island isn’t on complete lockdown like some of the others. I have a real kitchen to myself and have stocked up with most anything vegan and gluten-free I can get my hands on so I can do lots of cooking experiments. I have plenty of time, after all. There’s no shortage of food and supplies at the stores like in the US, so shopping is easy. I use the Thai equivalent of Amazon to get more obscure items like dental picks or buckwheat flour. I don’t know how long I’ll be here but it’s an outstanding place to wait it out. Also, I’m supposed to be convalescing post-cancer anyway so this quarantine is well timed for me, enforcing me to stay home and rest.

My quarantine look

I’ve established something of a routine and that gives structure to my day so I can be productive. Being productive (at least some of the time) increases my overall happiness. It also helps alleviate anxiety when I give myself projects with a purpose. My latest project is planning a way to pivot my small business, Sublime Cuisine (private chef/catering/recipe and menu development) into a vegan meal delivery service that follows the Cancer Kitchen Boss diet I developed for myself. It’s an immune-boosting diet that’s anti-inflammatory, sugar free, gluten-free, low carb, whole food and vegetable-centric. In these times, everyone can benefit from a diet that supports immune health. When I work on this project I feel the joy that comes from cooking for people I love, plus it ignites my desire to help others get healthier.

One day I was feeling glum and then a sweet dog showed up and adopted us. Although not the same as a human connection, that unconditional puppy love was just what I needed for healing. Happiness can come in unexpected packages!

Not to say that every day in paradise is the best day ever, but I’ve accepted the fact that happiness for me will ebb and flow while I’m here. I miss my former life back home but even when I get back there, my former life won’t be available. The trick is to get excited about what new possibilities will come my way and how I’ve been given this opportunity to focus on getting my health back in order so I’ll be ready to crush my new life!

Now that I’ve worked out some structure to my days and have a sense of purpose in how to use my time here, I’m feeling better prepared to face the upside down world when I return home. I am really grateful to have this pause between finishing cancer treatment and re-starting my new life, whatever that's going to look like.