Glitter is All Done. Now What?
Yesterday I was presented with a certificate because I completed my last of 20 radiation treatments. This also draws an end to 10 months of my life that was all about treating and preventing cancer. I should be elated but instead I feel slightly apprehensive and sad. It has been an amazing, transformative experience. But now what?
I’ve held it together and stayed strong throughout most of this process. However, I will admit that I’m worn down. My nerves are frayed from radiation; my left bicep and pec muscles are still twitching from the disruption to the nerves in that area. My muscles are kinda fried from chemo and I’ll have to work hard and long to gradually get back my strength and stamina. My brain is not functioning at my usual high level and that’s disturbing even though I know it’s a temporary after effect of chemo. I’m in need of emotional and physical rejuvenation. And some TLC.
And now it’s dawning on me that conventional treatments may be over but I can’t just jump back into my former life. I have a lot of convalescence ahead of me, but also need to think about transitioning back to part time work. I need to pick up the pieces of my life and see how it fits back together. The options are wide open, and that’s daunting!
Yesterday was an emotionally fraught day, to be sure. The end of treatment was anti-climatic; I wasn’t in a rush for it to be over because I’d gotten used to the schedule and the pattern of my days. I’d been fairly occupied with medical appointments and self care. I’d gotten use to the team of medical professionals and self care experts that became part of my daily life. And now much of that has come to an end.
Do I have post-treatment blues? I googled to see if this is a "thing” and here’s what the Mayo Clinic had to say:
“When you began your cancer treatment, you couldn't wait for the day you'd finish. But now that you've completed your treatment, you aren't sure if you're ready for life after treatment as a cancer survivor…”
“…Everything you're feeling right now is normal for cancer survivors. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind.”
Wow this is exactly what’s been going thru my mind. They nailed it!
Photo by Diana Lannes
So where does this leave me? During treatment my meditation practice helped keep me present and not worry about the future. Now the future is here. I’m working to keep focused on healing as my top priority. This is a precious time for self reflection and exploring new paths for myself.
Of course, looking back I am still amazed at the stunning show of support I got from all of you. That was a prime motivation to do my best and celebrate the positive whenever possible. I got feedback from many people saying I inspired them. That feels really good. I hope to continue to inspire you.
Photo by Diana Lannes, Venice Beach