I am in Ubud, Bali, on a mission to cleanse after going through chemotherapy and radiation for breast cancer. In order to do a deep cleanse I am fasting, combined with juicing and a mostly raw vegan diet.

The more I looked at pictures of food while fasting, the more I could taste elements of each dish. I tried to replay any taste and texture memories of dishes I’d tried, and made a great effort imagine any dishes I saw online that I hadn’t had yet. I felt myself getting excited by this food porn journey during my fast.

2019 will be remembered as the year of cancer but also the year of discovery. As much as I tried to prepare myself for how it was going to be, the treatments, the awful side effects, the endless medical appointments and poking and prodding and medications and poison going into my body, I prepared for the worst only to find it wasn't as bad as I expected. I had to give up trying to control my experience and rather, accept and surrender to it.